For Irena

I love every day in the possibility every day that Iren and I will get back together. I hope that the time she spends away from me is time that opens her mind to this same possibility. It's this hope and belief that my strength comes from. I know I'm not crazy and I know it's not wrong to hold on to this belief and living in this possibility. Imuvmi

I hope that Iri will find in herself a way to open up to me so we can get together before the end of this year. Even if it's a hike, snowboarding, a walk through town. It's heartbreaking to see how things have gotten but I do believe deep down things can be ok...  I am hiking again today like yesterday and it would be amazing if you, chu, and sashi were with me

... you never give up A quote from Crazy Stupid Love....  I don't need to say anymore imuvmi

I find that my days at work pass much faster than my evenings .. not from the loneliness, though that can contribute, but from missing Iri. Christmas in Basel @ Munsterplatz officially opens today and nothing would be nicer than a walk through the shops with her, maybe finding that perfect ornament as a gift for her aunt and uncle, or maybe her parents. Possibly a small toy for Tina & Dora... I do not feel her close to me from her side at all and that is saddening for me. So, I think it is best if I just come back to writing here more as its really what I have for sure. I do miss you Iren. If inside your mind you can hear my words. Open yourself up and know I am here, waiting, hoping, for just a chance to meet you and see if, from the start we can take a small step towards something more special than either of us ever imagined, hoped, or dreamed of. imuvmi

I have not written here lately because Iren and I had been in brief contact. We came to an agreement which I will explain below. I sometimes wonder if having this blog is a creepy thing or its an ok thing. The last thing I want to do is creep her out or anyone else of course, but I have felt it is a good way for me to express how I am feeling and work through this. My intentions are always good. My hope is always the same. My dreams never waiver... And with that, I know, I cannot change the way things are. I can only hope through who I am, how I am, what I define my life as, and the human being I have become inside and out, are things that open Iren's eyes to my beauty, releases the walls, and she maybe falls in love with me all over again. So, we shared a few text messages and she said in one that she wanted to be in touch with me, but I should not think it means we are getting back together and asked if I could accept this. Initially I said no, but I realize that was only push...

I fell asleep watching elementary... I was dreaming I was living in one room, Iren in another... A man knocked on the door and said there is a complimentary fire on the roof to say sorry for accusing everyone in the building of doing something. I went to the living room to see if Iren would like to go. We had not been talking. She came closer to me, we were between a couch and a wall... It was dark, around  10 pm . A work colleague walked between us and rolled as he passed, we spun. Then, we hugged... It was, the most amazing hug ever, and as each moment passed, we regripped to have a better hold on each other. Everything else got silent and the only noise was that of embracing. The dream ended, I woke, and here I am now to not forget such a moment.  Never have I felt so close to her.... imuvvvvvvvvvvvmi

Iri I'm not sure if you read these, or even glance in this direction. So,mi am sending this note to you and hoping it comes to you in a dream. I've tried sprouting a few times but I cannot get anything to grow. I'd really like to start adding sprouts to my green drinks in the morning but they are really expensive and don't last long .. So, I'd be extremely happy if you would come and teach me what to buy and how to grow the sprouts... I miss you Iri... These kinds of things only a few women of the world possess as a quality along with all the others you have...  I love you as much as I miss you

so, today i got to wear a sweater iren bought for me last year. I never fit into it before but today I thought I would give it a try and sure enough, it fit nicely... now, the funny part is I had it on inside out for half of the morning until I noticed when I was in the bathroom at work... imuvmi&iluvm2

iren bought me some socks last year and I kept one pair unused since she left and I keep them in the drawer and get to see them every day ... :) not a great picture as it was dark and early.. but, they are the ones with the tag on them thank you for these lovely socks Iri imuvmi

Dear Iri.... Here are some more pictures I took on the trip. I also sent you a couple via text but I do not know if you ever received them.... Hope you like these and see some familiar sights imuvmi!

Here are some pictures of me from the US trip... imuvmi

I am home now, not quite a day so far. Reality is settling in a bit and its not good. I am looking out the window and I see the little rock formations Iren made have fallen over. I want to fix them, but I do not know how to make them just as she had them. Also, me fixing them is not her touch... so I have to just leave them I think I really cannot snap out of this state of mind. I don't feel like it is just being depressed, or just in a slump. I really feel like I have lost a part of me that is vital to my health and well being. Every single aspect of my daily routines bring me thoughts of how much I wish to be sharing them with Iren. Please open up Iri... you are the sun that warms my days. I love you & I miss you very much imuvmi

it seems there is no end in sight for me with this breakdown with Iren... she doesn't even try an ounce. she won't communicate, open up, or even allow me to try to get her to open up. i suppose she is dating another guy and could simply care less... i feel its wrong, but, nothing i can do at least I have this imuvmi

its so obvious that she doesn't see me as I her nor trust that things would be great... i long for her to be back in my life but she doesn't even consider making an effort... so .. I know that ignoring me is her way of telling me to leave her alone, get on with my life, and just forget it... its such a crime and a shame.. and i am not removing myself from the thoughts of possibility.. my best friend and i were talking as he was leaving to go home Sunday night and he said, "I hope iren comes back to you, you deserve to be happy" to which I responded, "she has to, she is whom im meant to be with for the rest of my days" just for the record, she can continue to ignore me, and think whatever she wishes, that is her right.. but it doesn't mean i am not going to continue to believe in us, hope, and pray for us... and continue to live in the space where we two are one.. i love her more than anything in the world imuvmi

No, not the old tv show, but me... I don't understand how Iri cannot see what I see and feel what I feel... I miss her, I need her, I love her... All so very much...  I feel there is nothing I can do and my heart aches and hurts more every day

Another night, another dream... I just woke up from another night of dreaming about Iren. It's getting to the point where every single night she is in my dreams and every single night I wake, reminded of how much she means to me. For the last two days I've been at my parents and all I see around me are signs of her. I wish she was here with me. I know she likes being on the farm and away from the city.  imuvmi

Today I made a dal. Well, I put a lot of a curry spice in it (the whole jar) and it's really disgusting. First, the curry spice is not one I've ever used and two, I've no reason why I used so much. It's a shame to say the least. I'm eating it, but under massive inner protest :) But, you would be proud of me Iri for cooking at my parents like you used to do. I'm still sensitive to cleanliness but I just put it all aside for the sake of my health and I'm not letting it bother me.. See, I do have inner growth :) ImuvvvvvvvvvvvvvmI

While driving down to my parents house from the airport I thought about many things but I also came up with an analogy... Ok, it's kinda an odd one but still makes sense Remember how for years I could not poop properly? I was bound up and needed large quantities of supplements and even then, it didn't work well.  That is analogous to my life I believe. And that is what I keep trying to explain to Iren, minus the poo part. I had been in a terrible state for a very long time and I was extremely lazy about looking at the causes.  Now, I feel that I see life so differently and understand the simpler things which makes the harder things easier. Now, I don't need any supplements at all to go to the bathroom, it's all working normally. Just thought I'd share that. It's 2:30 am so it may not make perfect sense Imuvmi

I woke a couple of hours ago from another typical dream. This one I have vague memories of outside of that one moment... I was somewhere and all of a sudden Iren was there as well... She relented and we hugged and the energy and power of that hug was amazing. It felt so good for both of us and in that moment we realized we are meant to be as one... I woke from that dream like most and I felt so close to her.. I did not let the reality get in my thoughts so I could enjoy it just a little bit longer I'd be happy for a million more moments like that in my life...  imuvmi

I know since moving here I have learned a lot and really changed. I don't see things as I used to and understand what the more important things in life are, versus continuing to live in a mess. I am not who I used to be for sure. Now, of course we cannot change everything about ourselves, and sometimes we try to mask what we think we changed. But, inherently I feel things are much different for me. My perspectives, my respect, my perspective, my humanity, and more... Why do I say this? Well, with all of the love I have for Iren, the love that I am certain is not going away, and believing in how good we could be together now because I don't have those things she resented in me, from time to time I email her to try and get her to open up to the possibility. I live in this possibility. I make no apologies for it. I do not feel it is wrong to feel as I do, nor do I have any regrets about trying. My only regrets are around the amount of time it took me to grow... The last email...

I love you and miss you very, very much Iri imuvm&ilue

I see someone is selling a picnic bench and chairs... I thought about this and thought about you... First, the garden space could use a nice small dinner table for outside eating, and I also thought, buying something use is so much better for the planet as something new isn't created instead.... and then I thought, how much you like to think about the latter and how great that would be... the garden space doesn't know you.. but I am certain it misses you very much... it needs your love, tenderness and care.. you know I am terrible at gardening..... imuvmi&iluwamh