For Irena

I think and feel only love and warmth, happiness and content, and feelings of being complete... "For man is  a giddy thing, and this is my conclusion"... Iren is my Claudio, and I to her Benedick  Imuvmi

I have a garden space... it is, in some ways a lot like the one Iren's parents have. Theirs is a bit bigger, and they have had it for a long time so it is more organized. When I told Iren about it, I was really hoping it would entice her to want to come and at least see it, but she didn't want to. Really... I got it for us. It was not easy to get and extremely hard to clean as the previous tenant really left it in a terrible state. So bad, that the Gemeinde forgave the registration fee of 450 CHF because they knew I had a lot of work to clean it. As you look at the before I cleaned it pictures, I really didn't do justice to all of the garbage inside, and in the back corner.. it was really, really bad!! Before And, again, with the after pictures, I didn't do a good job of recording how it really looks.. and each day/week it gets better and better... After

As I wander around the apartment and see the things that Iren has placed, I often wonder if my sentimentality has taken over my ability to do anything.  This, could be a bad thing, but at the same time.. I love everything she did and touched and I don't want to change it. So... what am I to do.. sure, I could just start moving things around but why? I love how they are. Early on in this tragedy, I thought to myself, the best way to work this out is to completely change everything to not have any reminders. I put her stuff in storage in the basement and really focused on just not seeing anything about her so I didn't cry. Now.. I love those things and respect them more than ever. I also realize the love I have for her is not fleeting in any way. She is really my soul mate. After watching Stuck In Love , I realize that she is who I am really meant to be with. Like William Borgens, I will wait, hope, and not move without her. i love you iri... I hope inside you feel and hear ...

a long time ago, not so long after we moved into this apartment, Iren suggested we make some black and white prints of my photos and hang them in the living room. I REALLY want to do this and have wanted to for a long time.. but, it honestly pains me to not do it with her. I do not want to pick the wrong images. I also do not want to pick the wrong frames. Not to mention, hang them incorrectly. I really, really, really need her help and guidance... can SOMEONE, anyone, summon up the courage to have her come back... and start with something small like help me hanging pictures? I love her so much... can she not please start to open up and share this with me??? imuvmi&iluvm2

I am not sure if Iren ever really knew or understood why I was always so shy with her friends... She comes from a place where most everyone is very much into sport. They are all in shape, and great athletes. Not to mention, all very good looking. Given I was more and more out of shape I felt like I could be an embarrassment for her around them. As I look back on it, this was a problem I had, it had nothing to do with her, and her friends. I am sorry to have learned this at this point in my life and I hope, if given a chance, she will see this is something that is in the past. Fat, thin, ugly, old, good looking, whatever.. It is who I am on the inside that matters the most and my shallow thinking no longer has a place in my life. imuvmi

Some of the things in my life, it is impossible to change, like having bad hair days.. with my mop head, that will always be a crisis point for me.. though, I have learned to accept it and make the best out of a curly situation... I do try from time to time to shave my head because its frustrating to constantly have a war with the hair, but, that is the bad part of it. The good part is that its my hair and deep down, I love the curls :) But, some of the things I have changed, really are the important ones. They are, if you will allow me to explain it this way, the lessons I am supposed to learn in life, but I am just a tiny bit slower than most people. Most importantly, it is the being close that means the most. With Iren, all I ever want is to be close to her. I do not mean up her arse 24/7, but in a way that even when I am not next to her, she feels me next to her. Like we are two, situated in such a way, that we are really one.   Here is a brief list of the things I hav...