how have I changed?

Some of the things in my life, it is impossible to change, like having bad hair days.. with my mop head, that will always be a crisis point for me.. though, I have learned to accept it and make the best out of a curly situation...

I do try from time to time to shave my head because its frustrating to constantly have a war with the hair, but, that is the bad part of it. The good part is that its my hair and deep down, I love the curls :)


But, some of the things I have changed, really are the important ones. They are, if you will allow me to explain it this way, the lessons I am supposed to learn in life, but I am just a tiny bit slower than most people. Most importantly, it is the being close that means the most. With Iren, all I ever want is to be close to her. I do not mean up her arse 24/7, but in a way that even when I am not next to her, she feels me next to her. Like we are two, situated in such a way, that we are really one. 


Here is a brief list of the things I have changed about myself, that have been sticking for a long time now... But, before I give you the list, I want to retract what I have been saying for a long time, which is that men cannot change. The exception to that rule is when they also want the change, then it will happen, without effort, or stress.... So, men really can change... they just need the right tools, like love, support, understanding, compassion, and space....

My list (not all, just a few of the things)

Wasting money
I always seemed to have some obsession with buying things, especially when I was depressed. With Iren leaving (the honest to goodness true love of my life) I am surprised to see I don't have 25 pair of pants still with the tags, a closet full of shirts, and gadgets laying around the house.

What I found is that all of those things are masks to me revealing a part of myself that gets trapped. I really needed to find a way to not use such triggers as a way to buy things that are just not needed... I am happy to say, it has been a long time since I spent money on anything.. In fact, the last gift I bought was the butterfly wind chimes for Iren.

Always in a hurry...

This was a big one, and I know a stress point for Iren. Even when she was here in this apartment, I would open the front door and go hit the elevator button, then stress if she didn't come fast.

WHAT was wrong with me? I did NOT need to rush her. I did NOT need to stress her about getting there, and I certainly did NOT need to try and get somewhere in a hurry only to just get there.

I would give anything for her to see how I am so relaxed with time. No, I am not late when going places. But, I don't stress about getting out the door, or hurrying to be there a minute early to prove nothing. I respect the time I have in my life and I respect the need to allow things to happen in their time.


Eating & loafing
Well... I learned from Iren the importance of eating certain foods, especially first thing in the morning. So, unless I am out of ingredients, I start every day with a green drink. I learned today that the ingredients I have been using in my green drinks alkalize my body. Which is a great thing, as I use all of them (see the image below for those details, along with the other image which talked about juicing benefits. (Compliments of Extreme Health Radio for the images)

But, I also do not rush home from work and need to eat the second I get there and then spend the next four hours sitting in the chair. I find myself doing things while cooking food or heating up food.

Since coming back from my last trip to the US, where I found a friend of mine lost a lot of weight which really inspired me for a change, I decided to go vegan. In order to do this though, I needed to start cooking more to be better prepared. So, my vegen chef friend and his wife have shared with me some dal recipe's, which will be in their upcoming book. I now cook a dal close to two times a week and make enough to last a few days. I also bring some of that to work with me as a snack, or even a lunch time meal.  I have always loved to cook, and now, its really become a part of my life.  When Iri was here, I never showed her this passion I have and I believe she would be amazed at the things I am doing.

Exercise
Well, I have never been one for set routines, and I certainly do not like to get stuck repeating the same things over and over. Call it A.D.D., call it what you want but I get bored easily. Until our office changed locations, I was driving my car to work most days. I love my car, and love driving it, but, it didn't yield a whole lot of exercise. Combine that with sitting on the chair watching TV after work, well, I became the chair easily. I know Iren didn't like this about me because she is such an active, outdoor person.

Anyhow, nowadays, I ride my bike to work 4 days a week (I work from home on laundry day), and I have a garden space that I work in all the time. Do I have a 6-pack of abs? Nope.. am I still carrying a car tire? Yep, but, it used to be a truck tire. The vegan lifestyle and the 40 minutes a day on the bike really have been making a difference, but the best part is, I am not dieting, I am not forcing myself to exercise (though I do not like riding home from work as it is all uphill :)) .. I am just being me and enjoying getting back into shape to be the man I like.

Patience
Overall.. I have really become a patient and unstressed, unbothered, individual. Driving in New Jersey, road rage is not just an event, but a requirement in order to be in the roads. Now, when I am in my car, I don't get angry or even bothered if someone wants to pass me, I cannot get out to pass a car, or anything else. I just simply move out of the way. It is a freedom from the struggles of wanting all the control and power that I have released, and this has really opened me up.

Ok, for now I think five changes in me are a good start. I doubt very much Iren will ever read these messages, my thoughts, feelings, etc. But, I hope she knows that I did not make these changes to please her, but the changes I made, would indeed give her a new, refreshing, warming perspective of me.  Every single day, I hope and pray for her to open up to me again.. just to let me show her the possibilities and then decide... and until that day comes.. I will continue to write these messages...

ilu&imuvmi