For Irena

I find myself talking to Iren or thinking about something with Iren all the time. Saturday morning I was at the market getting my veggies, and I was saying to myself, Iren would love this place, she would love that place. She would really enjoy going here.. and on and on and on... I really think I am losing it... How can I possibly still be talking like this after so much time? Listen (if anyone is actually listening), I know they say it takes time to get over breakups, but what if I didn't want to break up? I mean.. does that mean I will need more time than anyone, knowing, in the end, I will still feel the same way? My feelings will not change. My wishes and hopes will not change. So, why am I thinking I need to get over this? this is killing me... my inside is eating away.... i need answers... its a nightmare for me every single day Somebody.. anybody... any help to offer??? imuvmi

I'm such a fool... I spend all of my time trying, hoping, praying that Iren will open her heart to me that I lose site to reality.  Yesterday, all I thought about all day was after Heidelberg that I would be driving to novy jicin to spend a little time with her.  Of course, she and I never spoke, never made plans, never even talked of that possibility. So, I sent her a text last night because this made up plan is running out of time to try and establish contact. And, I never heard back. I realize I was forcing myself into this scenario and that it is all made up in my head, but it still is what it is.... A giant mess!!! I have to just move on and forget there being any possibility. She said she wanted to be friends but she doesn't even talk to me. It's clearly over in her mind a million percent and all I am doing is torturing myself by thinking if I believe, hold on, trust, and pray, that she will open her heart...  I just don't feel I can stop hoping I love her no dif...

if Iren just showed up at my apartment one day, wanting to have lunch and a hike? Nothing in the world would be more amazing if I were to be asked. It would be a miracle of proportions I cannot even comprehend... I was thinking a little while ago... as I often spend time reflecting on what all went wrong and how many, so very many mistakes I made over the years building a wall between us... and I know I have said this before, which is I really have always wanted to have a baby with Iren.. but what I really realize now is, she is the only one I want to have a baby with. anyway.... I got out of my apartment today to go to the COOP (only thing open) and of course, my friend was there. She was very busy but she always finds a smile and asked me how Christmas was so I smiled and just said "quiet". imuvmi 

I have these three simple rules I live my life by... I don't steal, cheat, or lie.. but, what is one to do when up against the wall... So.. I didn't exactly lie... I got a txt from Iren today saying something like, Merry Christmas, I hope you are not spending it alone. In return, I said Merry Christmas, please tell the dogs I love and miss them very much.  Am I supposed to be honest and say yes, I am home alone, which is how its been since Saturday and how it will continue until I return to work on January 6th? No, instead I said nothing, which I take to be a lie, but maybe I am wrong about it being considered a lie. I imagine she is enjoying the company of someone and happy. I would not fault her for this of course, as she is clearly living her life. I feel my deterioration is not her problem so I am learning it is better to not involve her in such things. In fact, I am only even writing about it because this is my outlet.  I just hope and pray that one day, she will...

... are certainly easier than others.. Just from yesterday to today I can feel a change in how I feel. I'm more nostalgic and longing to have Iri a part of my life.  I must be crazy I must be broken I must not be able to discern right from wrong I need strength I love and miss you iri ... You mean more to me than anything

An open letter Dear Iren... Time goes by and nothing changes for me. Each minute of every month reminds me of the love I have, had, and will always have for you. I see you in everything I do. So, I just want to take this moment to express it again. I hope you love the Christmas gifts and that these gifts remind you of me. I pray that one day your heart will open up to me again, but in the meantime,I just pray for such a gift,  I also think about having a baby all of the time and how much I would love to raise a child and enjoy sharing my life with him or her. Well. I will close this short note to you now. I love you and never stopped. I have learned so much about living life better and I do hope you will share that with me  Love Dave