For Irena

i am wondering and a bit worried that Iren will not get the Frida bag I sent to her. I know the postage was wrong, it is impossible that they got it right. But.. what has happened to the package? Where could it be right now? I wonder if I should go to the store where I shipped it and ask. But, they speak no English and we will be stopped fast :(  Also, I do not know where the receipt is.. It will hurt my feelings deeply if the package gets lost. I would wish and hope that they would send it back to me, maybe with a bill for postage due or something, but not just leave it sit forever. That bag is an emblem of our time in Mexico and its really important for me that she can hold it in her arms like she has in the past so many times... Please make the journey to Iri Frida!!! imuvmi!!

just thinking about iri ... I wonder, how teaching is coming along for her. I know she loves to teach and is honestly one of the best teachers on the planet, and I am not just saying that to be persuasive :) I watched how she would plan for school in New York, how serious she took her role, and how humbled she was always in her role. Simply and utterly amazing!! i wish that one day, we can sort all of this terrible mess out, return to the love, find any missing joy, and create a family so I can watch her teach a baby from day one until I am 110 years old. Nothing in this world would mean more to me than to experience her as a mother, there is no question she would be amazing..!! imuvmi!!!

I was just looking at some pictures on the network as I copy files and I came across this photo... I miss you so much Iren... and when I see this picture I am reminded of how I took advantage of your presence and never allowed myself to be open to you.. the love and empathy you have inside and the woman you are, are so very special.... I am so sorry for all of my mistakes, so VERY sorry!!! I remember this day like it was yesterday... imuvmi

Its plus one day and minus one hour later than yesterday... Huh? Everything happened an hour earlier and Sunday I spent the day living an hour later than it really was as the time change for day lights savings never sunk in...  Now.. I return to sleep.. But never does a moment pass where I do not believe, feel, or long to share the possibility of being with Iren again... The best part, daylight savings gave me another hour of her beautiful memories Imuvmi

iri... I realize you cannot hear me, and because you do not see this blog, you don't realize I am writing to you, or about you. Today, i feel frozen inside. I cannot move without you. you are a part of me that cannot be released and without you, I am superman in a pool of kryptonite . Really.. its getting to be where I do not think of anything without you included.. you have to open up. You have to give me a chance. You MUST believe it is possible... I need you in my life Iri.. i love you imuvmi

on my bike ride home from work today.. I really needed a hug and to hold Iren .. I didn't have a great day and I am missing her so much... so, I keep saying to myself, "please be inside the door with the doggies when I get home. PLEASE!!" I park my bike, come up the elevator, and continue, "please be home, please be home....." FU*K!!! Nope, she is not here... Please open up to me Iri.. I miss you so much its really almost not healthy.  I love you!! imuvmi

as usual, I like to spend far too much time reading far too much into things and thinking things that more than likely do not exist... I did not write here the past days so much because I also spend my time emailing Iren or sending her text messages...  Sometimes I will just wish her a lovely day, or an an email, maybe I will send her a picture from the balcony or something, like the sunset on comes the crazy talk so, as I have been thinking about it, I imagine if she really wanted me to never talk to her again, or she really didn't have any feelings for me at all, she would just be cold and tell me to leave her alone. right?!?!?!?! but, she doesn't. for instance, yesterday I sent her a text and just wished her a lovely day and to kiss the doggies for me.. she wished me a nice day as well and said she would kiss them. the rational me says, of course she would be nice and reply because she is not rude. The fact that she never replies to the emails is her indication that ...

I do not remember all of the details, but I remember having going to see Iren (she seemed to live close) a few times and she was alone with the doggies, though I think she lived with a man... I wanted to see her and the "kids" (sashi & chu) and it turned out some guy was with her... then, Sarah and Miles came out and she morphed into Sarah and Miles' mom, and I was asking her if Sarah was living there or not while I was holding her in my arms.. She would not answer and her hair was dyed blue (her being Sarah's mom). I then left as I didn't feel I belonged there and it seemed to morph back into it being Iren... then three men followed me from her home. I only then remember them punching and kicking me in the head and going unconscious... i woke... reflected on it.. and started to cry

I had a very short, but amazing dream last night... I was in and out of sleep as usual. I was also curled up on Iren's side of the bed hugging a pillow... But, I dreamed she came back to me. Now, I have said many times how much this would mean to me, but I remember being so unbelievably happy that it was euphoric to say the least... I honestly, and sincerely do not ever remember having a happier feeling... it was really a special moment... Judy: (to Jack) All I want for Christmas is you. Dave: (to Irena)  All I want forever... is you. and a nice video by Kina Grannis

because I care... yesterday, out of nowhere, a bag Iren bought when we went to Mexico, just appeared in my office tucked in between two dressers. I have no seen that bag in years and all of a sudden, it was staring at me... so, i decided to wrap it up and send it to Iren... and in doing so, I decided to make her a care package. i took ten envelopes, and printed 10 pictures of different memories, and put them inside, along with a small cute quote. after I sealed each envelop I then found a quote that I really liked and pasted it to the front of each envelope. I wrapped all of this in a letter telling her about the bag like I did here and suggesting to her that one envelope a day may be more than enough if she so wishes... Here are those inside notes... I think they are enough to give you an idea of whats on my mind

i have plenty of regrets which cannot be erased, but i will not ever regret reminding you how much you mean to me... i don't regret saying things like... life without you is an exercise in existence a day without you is a 24 hour window of emptiness a moment without you, is a crime never worth repeating... i know deep down you had to shut off your feelings because you were hurt. i do understand iren. i had so many things wrong that I cannot begin to explain them even to myself... hence my regrets... but, i do not stop trying, believing, or holding on because i know deep down if you will unlock your soul and open up... there will be no regret for either of us, ever again...  i could say things like, you're all i have, but that isn't true. or, i do need you to exist, but that isn't true either. when i say though, i am dying without you, its not even possible for me to hide the idea that my heart and soul deteriorate a little bit every day we are apar...

I know ths is nonsense and sounds utterly ridiculous but I moved to your side of the bed. In all of my adult life, I've never slept on the left side of the bed except maybe when visiting someone's house or something.  Now, I feel like a puppy dog who misses his owner and in some odd way it makes me feel a bit closer to you... I miss you so much Iren, it's really hard for me to explain.  Tonight I had dinner with my friend Marco at his fathers restaurant. His entire family was there and all I could think is how much you would have enjoyed the experience...  Imuvmi

1. You have an extraordinary way of communicating with children. They attract to you be ause of the soul and heart within you.  2. That when you cook, you like to wear aprons. You've even made a beautiful one. You loo so amazingly cute in them. 3. That you love mystery TV. I never really said how much I enjoyed knowing you liked Miss Marples and more, but, it's great how you get totally involved in them and you can usually solve the mystery before it's revealed. 4. You make amazingly tasty desserts. So many times we would have super tasty treats on the table. I love your cooking so much. 5. That you know so much about healthy living. I was always defensive because I thought you were telling me what to do, but the reality is you were teaching me how to better care for myself, 6. That no matter how inconvenienced you can be at times, you never ever complain. Like the lady on the bus who threatened you the day you bumped into her while having to stand on your way to work. 7. Y...

I need not say anymore... imuvmi

Today turns a new leaf.. yesterday I did not hear from Iren, so today, I start over. This, actually is what I do every day.  Why not? This morning, I could not sleep and have been up since 3:30 AM. During this time I did some reflecting and really concluded the same thing I have all along, that she owns my heart.  I also thought about how things were for us over the recent years and how things were when we moved here. Iren, Iri, Irena Kubinova, if you can hear anything, please hear this... I REALLY had it screwed up.  Taking what I did in the US and applying it, arrogantly in Switzerland was not even a band aid. I am so sorry I could not have seen this sooner and its taken me all of this time to see it now. Please.. just dig deep and try to be open to me. You will be surprised pleasantly, and I am certain, in time, berry, berry thankful. You really mean the world to me and everything about you means everything to me.  Today I am wearing those socks you darned ...

i moved to the other side of the bed where she slept. it makes me feel closer to her in some weird way. If you ever see one of those pictures that circulates on the web about a dog who sleeps where his owner used to be or something like that, then you can maybe understand how I feel... i just cannot lose my connection imuvmi

Since the season is over for the fruits and veggies, I have not been going to the garden nearly as much. Frankly, there isn't a lot of work to do other than cutting the grass, which I did this evening. And, more to the point, not sharing it with Iren is quite a lonely feeling. So, tonight I cut the grass and was looking around. The roses really came up nicely and I think next year they will look even more amazing. I think I may build some sort of trellis for them as they will go crazy all over the place otherwise. But, what I was really thinking about is how much I wish Iren was sharing the space with me. I would love for her to start planning out the flowers for the spring. Also, maybe we could eat there sometimes by cooking out (which I have not done once). Also, we could even start talking about the things to plant for the next season. I wish so much I was sharing the garden with her. imuvmi  

ok, I seem a bit obsessed with getting the right picture of the fondue pot... well, today I got it... and yep, as I suspected, this one , nor this one , were the right ones..... but, these were the right ones for sure... She wrote me a note saying thank you. It wasn't a note where I got goose bumps with hope, but, that is only me hoping she is coming around. I was happy to give this to her and I do wonder if she likes the photos I included as she didn't mention them. I suppose she does :) Anyway... I miss her so very much and wish for her heart to open up. I do not know what else I can do other than hope, pray, and love her unconditionally, and endlessly. imuvmi

its about a 10% change it will go well I must admit, I am a bit nervous about Iren getting the fondue pot I bought for her... I really want her to love it and be happy, but I know her frame of mind is "leave me alone and get a life without me" so this will probably annoy her. my fingers are crossed for a different reaction.. and that is that... I did send her a brief email today to show her two photos I took yesterday from the balcony. It was really amazing to see the sunset and the rainbow.. but, to be honest, this happens all the time. I think my apartment is in the perfect location... :) I really want to try and work on not bothering her so much.. sadly, I know deep down it is what she wants. Also, just as sad, it will not bring her any closer to me... In case it isn't clear, I know the writing is on the wall, and probably etched in stone. But, I love her with all of my heart, and despite the odds, despite the distance, and despite the circumstances....

well... today I decided to start my day wearing one of my favorite pair of socks... I am telling you.. it REALLY is the little things in life that make me smile the most...  These socks I suppose I have had for a long time, but, I have a problem.. I used to joke with Iri all the time that her toes were like lollipops but in truth, it may be mind as I always poke holes in my socks with my toes well, one of the great things she used to do for me all the time is darn my socks. I don't think she followed the strict darning process, but in general, she did.. and, I might add, did a great job too.  Darn, I miss her so much... I really wish she would open back up to me... she really means the world to me! imuvmi

I know it's my imagination and I know I'm reading into something that doesn't exist... But, tonight I sent Iren a text and simply said.. "Mondays are official 'open your kind days'... Happy Monday Iri.. Please kiss the doggies for me. She replied with "ok, I will" ... Usually she doesn't respond at all.. So.. I'll have my moment of happiness with over reading this, thank you very much.. Btw,earlier I mentioned buying her the fondue pot.. I took a pic of one in migros today but now I'm not so sure it's the same one... I need to get to the other migros I think... But here is the pic

Just lost in thought right now and thinking about how much I love you.. how much I miss you.. and how much I need you... "need" ... it's a funny word .. one can say, do we really need this or that in our lives? A new car, do I need it? Probably not. A bigger apartment, do I really need that? Nope... Love, in general, do I need it? No. my point is we can survive without most needs, but what is an existence without companionship, love, adoration, support, a best friend, and someone to share all the good and bad with? my answer is its an empty, unfulfilled life. I am sad today.. because in all of my life I never knew anyone like Iren, and in 7.5 years I managed to push her away somehow, and all that while, still knowing inside how much I love her, how much I miss her, and how much I need her to exist.. really exist. I miss you Iren.. please open up to me imuvmi

Most people say that when love is lost, that moving on is really the only way to heal a broken heart. "The most important things, are the hardest to say"... From The Body by Stephen king I love Iren and I am certain in my heart that my staying open to her is not a bad way to be stuck... She is the most amazing woman I've ever had the pleasure of putting my eyes on, and heart given to... Every day that passes, I think of different ways to love you Every hour that passes, I hope its one hour closer to you Every minute that ends, I reflect on my thoughts of you, and Every moment of my life, is a moment I long to spend with you Iri, you are the cats meow the wagging tail of a dog, the moo from a cow and the quack of a duck you are the I Ching that by which I am defined So, I end this with the idea that one of the most important things, is actually, very easy for me to say... I love you.. every single day, and I miss you equally... open your heart. in ...

I am planning a hike for tomorrow and really wish, chu, and sashi were coming with me. It's in a new place and should take 3-4 hours... If the sky is clear the views should be amazing too... I remember how much they love hiking as well as you. I did some cooking today too. I made a three bean chili, about three liters in total.. Should last me a few days and it's really yummy... Look what I made for lunch. It's a raw food soup... Wow was it good, but too much for one meal so I put the rest in the chili... Here is a picture below...  I really miss you a lot Iren... You are everything to me and my heart aches knowing we are not together.... imuvmi

Fondue, thats who!!! I bought Iren a fondue cooking pot at Migros. I did not think to take a picture of it until now, but it looks something like this one. The problem I face all of the time is she surrounds me in everything I do. When I am food shopping, I think all of the time about how great it would be if she could see this or that in the store. Try a new food, or something else. I was looking for a thermometer to help me with cooking a raw food meal I have the ingredients for and this fondue pot was there. I knew instantly it would be something she would like, but I walked away. I came back to it again... and walked away again. All the while I am thinking, I really should not buy this for her. Money is tight for me right now and, she will only get mad anyway. So, I turned to walk away and realized, no matter what, I know she will love it very much and if she will not be willing to enjoy it with me, she can certainly enjoy it with her mom & dad (two people I miss and ...

I say it is not very likely... but that is not something I would say is a bad thing.. how many people notice the little things...??? in an earlier blog post , I mentioned the sentimental value I have for things she gave to me, or did for me. well... last year she bought me this shirt (it is more like a jacket but can be worn as a shirt). I tried it on when she bought it, and like the ass I am, I never put it on again. I liked it but being fat it stuck to my belly like glue and I was very uncomfortable. I suppose deep down this hurt her feelings without my even paying attention to it. Anyway.. by chance I have lost some weight and the other day I tried it on again and not only did it fit nice, but I thought it looked really nice too.. so, I took a quick pic with my cell phone in the mirror and sent it to her... and here is that picture.. what I wonder is, did she notice the paper towels or the oil in the corner of the picture. These are things she put there and I never s...

I wrote to Iren yesterday because i wanted to come see her and the doggies. My proposal was for us to go for a nice hike without any stress, without any conversations regarding "us", but just a nice time with her and the doggies... I really miss all of them so very much. In a reply back, I was told its not a good idea.. and for some reasons I will not mention, but, it is very saddening to say the least and leaves my empty tank unfilled. I am not so sure how much I can put myself through... But, for me it is plain crazy we are not together, in her own words she said she doesn't see anyone ever loving her as much as I.. but.. here we are... I replied and told her I hope she reconsiders.. but I will not push.. I just continue to be me and hope and pray.. every single day...