For Irena

i organized a group hike (should be 6 people)... all I can think about is how much I wish you were with me... somehow I wish you could and would dig deep, and open your heart to me.. I cannot turn off my feelings for you no matter how much I try I miss you very much Irena. You encompass everything I have ever wanted in a partner and best friend. I love you.

... but not my heart. its been quite a while since I have written in here, but it doesn't mean much time passes without me thinking about Irena, the love I have for her, and the lack of understanding why we have turned out as we have. My life is changing so much almost daily. My health continunes to improve. My diet is better than it has ever been in my life. I look better than I have in a long time (minus the normal aging of course). But most of all, my attitude, feelings, tolerance, and understanding, evolve every single day. I wonder if she misses me, thinks about me, feels she has made a mistake but her pride precludes her from reaching out. I sent her flowers for Irena day. She wrote me and said thank you but I did not reply. I cannot allow more hurt into my heart. I miss her, chu, sashi, and her family all very much. She was to be the mother of my next child.. xoxo